Santé – What does sex give you?

published in santé magazine
on May 22, 2026

“I’ll be honest with you,” Alice begins with a sigh, “at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give.” Although she looks well-groomed in a flowing skirt and a wrinkle-free white blouse, she looks tired. “What exactly do you mean by that?” I ask. “Well, after work, the children’s clubs, the renovation, and taking care of my father… I just don’t have any energy left in the evening!”

I notice that I’ve puffed out my cheeks, because it sounds like ‘a lot’ to me too. “Okay, it is indeed logical that you are exhausted then. But, what else do you have to give?” I press on. “Well, when everything is done and I finally plop down on the couch, Max starts touching me. Then he wants something from me too.” I slide forward slightly in my chair. “What does he want then, according to you?” Alice pulls her shoulders towards her ears and holds her hands up. “That seems clear to me; of course he wants me to give him sex!”

"Oh, and then you have nothing left to give, right?" Alice nods exuberantly. "Exactly!" Says she emphatically.

Meanwhile, I pour two cups of tea and place them on the small table. “You know, Alice, I completely understand that sex can feel like something you give to someone else. It’s ingrained in our language, and women, in particular, receive messages that reinforce this idea. ‘You can only give away your virginity once, don’t give yourself to just anyone, if you don’t give your man enough he will cheat,’ et cetera.” I look at Alice searchingly. “Well, those messages are very recognizable,” she responds immediately. “Right, okay… if sex is only something you give and not something you get anything out of yourself, do you understand that it is too much when you are already very busy?” I ask next. Now Alice puffs out her cheeks.

“Yes, definitely!” she says, letting her cheeks empty out again. “Only… what could I get out of it? I mean, what do men get out of it?” I slide back in my chair and take a sip of my tea. “I don’t know what men generally get out of it. That is, of course, very personal. But ‘relaxation, a sense of connection, physical pleasure, and not thinking about anything else for a while’ are answers I hear regularly.” Alice also sits a little more relaxed, but still looks at me thoughtfully. “If sex could give that, it would be fine. Maybe especially after a busy day… But then something really has to change about the sex Max and I are having now…” she says, sighing again.