Santé – Alone together

Published in Santé magazine
On Nov. 1, 2025

Sivan grabs a pillow from the couch and clutches it with both hands. “I just don’t really feel connected to you,” she then tells her husband. “Yeah, I already know that,” he responds irritated.

“You tell me all the time. We don’t have to go to therapy for that.” Sivan sighs, recovers and tries again. “I just feel … well, how do I explain this… not like a couple, you know?” Toon rubs his forehead. “Not a couple, okay… but I’m always home for dinner and we sit next to each other on the couch almost every evening. We spend a lot of time together!” The volume of his voice goes up, as his irritation grows. “But still I don’t feel it,” she respond., “It doesn’t feel like we’re really together.” Tears begin to well up.

“I’m gonna interrupt the two of you for a sec,” I say decidedly. “Gladly!” Toon says. “I feel like you’re both trying to tell the other person something important, but the other isn’t hearing it clearly. Is that right?” Both nod.

“Toon, you indicate that you spend a lot of time with Sivan and it sounds like that can’t get any more, correct?” I ask Toon. “Yeah, I used to go pool on Wednesdays and even I cancelled that because she…” he makes parentheses in the air with his fingers and continues in a childish voice, “…didn’t feel connected.” Sivan slides forward onto the couch.

"Wait a minute, you said that was because Wednesday evening wasn't convenient for you anymore." "Yes, that's what I said!" Toon responds.

“And still it’s not enough. That must be very frustrating, right?” I ask him. “Well yes, very frustrating,” he sighs. “You know, Toon, people can spend a lot of time together but still feel lonely. Also, people can hardly ever see each other and still feel connected. So it’s not about the amount of time you spend together, it’s about what you do in that time and how you experience it.”

“Okay,” he says. “I actually feel alone sometimes, too, while we’re together.” Sivan puts her hand on his shoulder. “That’s what I mean, I have that lonely feeling, too.” Toon looks at her and says, “We also never do anything fun anymore, when we’re together.” “Well, I actually think the problem is that we don’t really talk to each other,” Sivan parries. Then both look at me, confused.

“Ah, yes… Now we have another impasse to deal with. Different people have different ways of feeling connected to another person. Shall we look for something that could work for both of you?”