Santé – Love in a different form

Published in Santé magazine
on April 22, 2025

Jesse and Maartje, a couple in their early 30s, report that they no longer see each other as lovers. “It just feels like that’s gone,” Jesse says. To which Maartje indicates she feels the same way. “But breaking up is such a big thing. We’ve built a wonderful life together and that life is worth a lot to me,” Jesse continues.

“Besides, I love you and would hate to miss you.” Tears well up in his eyes as he looks at Maartje. She takes his hand. It is clear that she can’t imagine life without him either.

“But who told you that you have to let each other go, when you are no longer lovers?” I ask interestedly. A bit baffled, they stare at me. “I understand that people often think like that, that when it comes to relationships it’s either on or off. Black or white, so to speak… But there are all kinds of relational forms,” I explain. “You’re not thinking about breaking up because you dislike each other. So then why couldn’t you continue as friends or start seeing each other as family?”

“But still, everything will change. I just find that really intense,” Jesse sputters. “Yes, things will change,” I respond, “but not everything has to… After all, when you’re friends or family, you can still go on vacation together or live in the same house. Besides, there are people who have sex with their friends or raise a child with their family. You don’t have to be lovers for that.”

"But even so... then you're no longer the most important person in each other's lives, right?" suggests Maartje. She, too, seems to have her reservations.

“That too is possible, but not necessary,” I respond again. “People often see it as degradation, when you are no longer romantic partners, but become friends. As if friends or family are less important in a person’s life. But, how many romantic relationships break up after a few years? While some friendships and family ties last a lifetime.” Jesse and Maartje look at each other for a moment. “Yes, that’s actually true,” Maartje says. “My brother is very important to me. And you’ve known your best friend since elementary school. You grew up together and know everything about each other,” she then says to Jesse.

“Exactly,” I respond. “A romantic relationship is not a promotion, it’s just another form in which love can be cast.” Slowly, I see a the couple across the room relax a little. “I think I get it,” Jesse then says cautiously. “Maybe we shouldn’t be too afraid of change and let our relationship take the form it actually already has…”