Santé – How do I say sorry?

Published in Santé magazine
on December 1, 2024

Chantelle and Jens are going through a difficult phase in their relationship. Jens has great difficulty trusting his girlfriend again after she cheated on him. Love is visibly present and they really want to move forward together, but he can’t manage to let go of what has happened.

“I’m very sorry,” Chantelle says for the umpteenth time. She gently puts her hand on his thigh. Jens places his hand on hers. “I know that,” Jens responds, “but I just don’t feel it.”
“Or don’t you dare feel it yet?” I ask him. “Well, that too, I guess…” he stammers. “After all, many people don’t dare to trust another person again when they’re not sure if the other person understands what they did wrong or what has caused so much pain.” Jens nods understandingly. Then I turn to Chantelle.

“Sometimes ‘I’m sorry’ just isn’t enough, no matter how heartfelt it is. Then it can help to clearly state what you regret doing. After all, sometimes people don’t regret the cheating itself, because it actually felt good. But they do regret what it did to their partner and their relationship.” Chantelle squeezes Jens’ hand gently.

"Ask Jens why it was so hurtful. Then show that you understand by repeating it in your own words and truely saying 'sorry' for that part of it all." Jens shifts back and forth a bit, while Chantelle looks at him from the side.

The rest of the conversation, I explain that it is important for Chantelle to check in with Jens regularly over the next period to see how he’s doing and if he still thinks about the cheating. She needs to take responsibility for making the subject discussable. That way, hopefully, Jens might be able to let it go. Moreover, it is important for Chantelle to show how valuable Jens is to her. Cheating, or any other form of betrayal, can make a partner feel worthless, and Chantelle can help to restore that feeling.

“And finally, I want to give you one more tip: Plan some new activities together. Try not to go back to the ‘old’, how it used to be. Because how it was, led to what happened.” Jens smiles broadly. “That’s funny,” he says. “Yesterday, she already signed us up for a stand up paddle course. We’ve never done that before. And uhm, I have a surprise too…” He looks at Chantelle proudly. “You always complained that I never organized anything, but I just booked a nice hotel for us!”