Santé – Consensual monogamy

Published in Santé magazine
on July 8, 2024

There they are, a young couple in their twenties with considerable disagreement about the boundaries of their relationship. “We are monogamous, aren’t we?” Says Noë to her boyfriend. “Then I don’t understand why you pay to webcam with another woman. To me that feels like going to a prostitute.” Maas shuffles his feet a bit.

“Well, you know, I see that differently. To me, that webcamming is not very different from watching porn. And you said that you were fine with that and that you do it too. You even said you always pay for the porn you watch.” Noë’s eyebrows go up. “Yes, because I want it to be ethical porn,” she parries. “So I can make sure the porn actresses get paid and everything is voluntary.” Maas rubs his beard. “Oh, is that why?!” He seems upset for a moment. “I thought it was okay to pay for porn and therefore webcamming was fine as well.” “Well no, I really think that’s something completely different,” Noë says scornfully. “Webcamming to me, is exactly the same as cheating!”

It remains silent for a long time as Noë stares out of the window with her arms crossed and Maas unties and re-ties the laces of his shoes. “Apparently it was unclear where the boundaries of your relationship were,” I break the silence.

"I don't know if you guys have noticed it too, but I've been hearing more and more lately about consensual non-monogamy, like open relationships and polyamory."

They nod. “People say that when you are in an open relationship you should talk to each other a lot about what you want or don’t want, so that you can agree on that and reach consensus. That’s why it’s called ‘consensual non-monogamy.’ But strangely, I never hear about ‘consensual monogamy,’ as if people in a monogamous relationship don’t need to talk to each other to know what the other person’s wishes are or where their limits lie.” I take a sip of my tea and continue, “That’s actually really strange… Or don’t you think so?”

“Well, indeed,” agrees Maas “I really didn’t know you thought webcamming was the same as cheating. I really wouldn’t want to cheat on you, to me it didn’t feel like I was doing that at all,” he then tells his girlfriend. “Okay,” Noë responds more kindly. “I just thought it went without saying.” To which Maas says gently, “Yeah, I thought so too, but apparently we really need to talk about this stuff. What we can and can’t do.” He grabs Noë’s hand. “Well, indeed … Apparently,” she sighs.