“It’s just very important to me and I’m afraid that if we don’t get our sex life back on track, it will eventually cost us our marriage. I’m trying to avoid that,” Samantha says emotionally. Her husband Henry sits silently. “What’s happen with you now?” I ask him. He shrugs. “Well…” He sighs, grabs his cell phone lying next to him on the couch and fiddles a bit with the buttons on the side.
“This is exactly what makes me so angry,” his wife takes over the conversation again. “You just don’t respond. Apparently you don’t care that I’m sad. Does our relationship still mean anything to you?” Henry puts his phone down again and looks at me. “Well…” he repeats, but just a little softer.
All too often it’s like this: The angrier one gets, the quieter the other becomes. One partner wants connection, but is so frustrated that they only show anger. The other also wants connection, but feels so afraid that they only retreat further. With increasing frustration on the other side as a result. Thus, the reaction of one partner reinforces the reaction of the other. Both partners play a crucial role. However, they usually only blame the other person for what’s going on. “If you would only share just a little bit, I wouldn’t have to get so angry,” Samantha says to her husband after I explain the dynamics they are in.
