Santé – Moving toward each other

Published in Santé magazine
On April 27, 2024

It’s a beautiful spring day when Ruth and Isabel knock on the door. Isabel cheated on them a year ago and their relationship is suffering greatly. They both say they want to continue the relationship, but somehow they only seem to drift further apart. They don’t really understand why and so they ended up in my office. Sitting as far away from each other as my couch allows.

“You do have to let it go at some point,” Isabel begins. “Everything has already been said about it, i’ve answered every question. I’ve told you a hundred times how sorry I am. What else do you want to talk about?” Ruth is silent for a moment. “I still hurt and I still get angry about it sometimes, about everything that happened. Like the other day, when you went somewhere else than you said you would. That made me very insecure again.”

Isabel rolls her eyes when Ruth mentions this incident. “Don’t act like that,” Ruth responds. “I just want to talk about it. I don’t understand why the whole subject is being hushed up.” Isabel then turns even further away from her. Ruth eventually looks in a different direction as well.

The dynamic between Ruth and Isabel is not strange. The one who has cheated often wants to move on as quickly as possible and prefers to forget the whole issue.

Understandably, because usually it is something they are not proud of and would rather not be reminded of. The partner that was cheated on often wants to put it behind them as well, but they just can’t yet. There is so much that reminds them of it. They are confronted with it over and over again. However, because the one that cheated doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, partners may feel that their feelings are not allowed to exist or don’t matter. As a result, these feelings often actually increase in intensity. And when the one who cheated does not talk about it, it can also give the the other partner the sense that all has been forgotten. As a result, partners become afraid that it could happen again and thus they tend to bring it up again and again.

“Wow, that’s exactly what happens to me,” Ruth says. Isabel looks at her inquiringly. “Okay,” I respond. “So what might help is if you, Isabel, start talking about everything that happened and keep the memory alive, so to speak.” Isabel looks puzzled. “That way, Ruth doesn’t have to keep it alive, which might help her let it go a little bit.” Then Isabel moves toward Ruth. “Would you like that, if I bring it up?” she asks incredulously. Ruth nods. “Very much!”