“I really don’t understand what changed,” Martin begins. He looks sideways at Sara, his girlfriend. She shrugs her shoulders. “Well, I don’t know either. It used to take no effort, it all just came naturally. But in recent years, sex has become hard work. We never feel like it at the same time,” Sara adds.
Then Maarten takes over again. “We just started scheduling it, because otherwise sex doesn’t happen. But why is that? Why doesn’t the desire come spontaneously anymore?” Sara squeezes her lips together and looks questioningly at Maarten, while he throws his hands up in the air.
What causes spontaneity to disappear? A lot of people ask themselves this question and struggle to find the answer. While the answer is actually quite simple: The spontaneity was never there! “The idea that the desire for sex must come spontaneously is a myth!” I say to both of them. Amazed, they look at me. “But, I don’t get that…,” Sara responds. “In the beginning of our relationship it sure felt spontaneous, we had sex almost every day.”
Sexual desire arises from sexual stimulation. When you are sexually stimulated, your circumstances allow it, and you expect a positive outcome, people feel like having sex and are likely to act on it.
