Santé – Men are always in the mood

Published in Santé magazine
On May 2, 2023

The day is only just getting started when my doorbell rings. Yena walks into my practice for the first time. “My husband didn’t want to come with me,” she says apologetically. “He’s extremely embarrassed,” she then adds. After we get acquainted, I inquire further. “Tell me, Yena, what exactly are you seeking help for and what is your husband so ashamed of?”

She tells me that he has not felt in the mood for a long time and how her love life is suffering as a result. Yena wants to have sex with her husband and has insisted that they seek help, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Not with her, but certainly not with a sex therapist. Arguments were followed by prolonged silences, after which Yena finally decided to seek help on her own.

“How do you feel about your husband not being in the mood for sex?” I ask. “Well, very annoyed of course. I don’t feel desirable at all, like there’s something wrong with me. I’ve started doubting myself enormously.” “Oh,” I say and encourage Yena with my gaze to tell more. “I just don’t get it either. Men are always in the mood aren’t they… Then why doesn’t he want me?”

Yena's statement is not isolated; it is a widespread belief that men are always in the mood for sex.

And when that is not the case, something must be wrong. Either the man in question is not a real man or the woman is not sexy enough. It is true, that men usually have more testosterone than women, a hormone that stimulates sexual desire. But desire for sex is not determined by hormones alone. A lot of biological, psychological and social factors affect sexual desire. For example, men, just like women, sometimes don’t feel well, are tired after a busy day or are worried about the children, which can reduce their sexual desire.

“Men are just like ordinary people in that respect!” I say jokingly to Yuna. “The idea that men always want sex is a myth! The fact that your husband doesn’t feel like having sex says nothing about his manhood and doesn’t have to have anything to do with you. It may not even have anything to do with sex. It may well be that something else is bothering him. But of course, we won’t know for sure until he opens up about it…”
“It’s good to hear this, though,” Yuna says. “He always said it had nothing to do with me when I was feeling insecure. I didn’t believe him, but that’s starting to change now.” She laughs. “Now he just has to believe that it says nothing about his manhood, either!”