Santé – The purpose of sex

Published in Santé magazine
On Jan. 15, 2023

Today I’m seeing Tamar and Xavier, a cheerful couple in their mid-twenties. Tamar often experiences pain during intercourse, so they have sex much less often than they would like. “How often do you guys have sex, approximately?” I ask halfway through the conversation. “About once a month or so?” Says Xavier hesitantly, looking at his girlfriend. “Yeah, something like that…

About once a month we have real sex,” Tamar says. “Sex with penetration,” she then adds. “Okay…, and do you guys do other sexual things, besides having penetrative sex?” I ask. “Do you mean foreplay or something?” Tamar replies. I nod. “Well, yes… we do that a few times a week. But I wonder why we even bother, if it doesn’t result in real sex!”

I have heard many people make this distinction between “sex” and “foreplay,” just as Tamar and Xavier do. People assume that only penetrative sex, is real sex. All other sexual acts are only meant as preparation for or as a built up to the real thing. When I ask people where this idea comes from, they usually look at me like I just asked them why they breathe so often. “Well that’s obvious, isn’t it!” is usually the answer.

"That's how nature intended sex, because that's how children conceived. That's the purpose of sex, isn't it!"

But is sex really meant to conceive children? In fact, most people who are trying to have children have sex for only a short period in their lives with the purpose of conceiving a child. In addition, a lot of people actively try to prevent pregnancy when they have sex, for instance by using contraceptives. Moreover, many heterosexual couples have sex outside the monthly fertile period, and many of us are still sexually active after the menopause. So sex is a way to conceive, but most sexual acts are not intended for that at all!

So what is the purpose of sex? The reasons why people have sex are very diverse. People have sex to make up after an argument or to get revenge on an adulterous partner. But the vast majority of sex is for the purpose of physical pleasure and for enhancing connection with another person… When we take this as our starting point, it suddenly opens up a lot of possibilities! Because when sex is primarily for pleasure and connection, then all the other sexual acts that were previously labeled as “foreplay” can suddenly be real sex as well. “So we actually have sex quite often?!” Tamar responds surprised, while Xavier begins to laugh.