Marjolein and Han walk into my room and sit down on the couch. Immediately Han starts complaining that his wife has been so unenthusiastic lately. To which Marjolein explains how busy she has been and how little he does around the house. “And besides…,” she continues her account, “you’ve gained quite a bit of weight lately. I don’t mean to be nasty, but your belly is getting bigger and bigger and I just don’t like it. Also, you keep wearing those ugly shoes, you know, those loafers I hate so much…”
Han stares at her with raised eyebrows. “Yeah well, you don’t have to look so surprised. I’ve said it to you before. I just find it very unattractive. I really can’t have sex with you like that!” Then Marjolein looks at me. “I’m just saying what I think. Surely that should be okay!”
Of course Marjolein is allowed to express her opinion when she is dissatisfied. It is good that she shares her thoughts with her partner, only the harsh way in which she does so leaves something to be desired. Yet many people make similar statements in my practice. They find their partner less attractive than before and believe the other person should change something about it. But is that fair?
“It is of course important that you try to remain attractive to each other. For as much as we would like to believe otherwise, love between partners is often not unconditional,” I say to both of them. Marjolein looks viciously at her husband. Han rubs his forehead and then looks at his watch. “In the beginning of a relationship, most people try very hard to make themselves as attractive as possible to the other person. Sex then often seems to ‘come naturally’ as well,” I continue. “But as a relationship progresses, people usually stop making the effort and the desire for sex often decreases.”
