Santé – Taking the pressure off…

Published in Santé magazine
On March 17, 2022

Peter is a busy man. Dressed in a tailored suit, he walks into my practice with his girlfriend, Eef. When I ask what’s going on, Eef tells me that their sex life hasn’t been going well lately. “The last few months have been so busy too, because we’re redoing the house and because of work,” she says. “As a result, I just don’t feel like doing it very often.”

Peter explains why this is a big problem for him. Eef’s desire for sex, he feels, is dwindling more and more. If they don’t intervene now, he fears it will disappear completely.

“You know, Jolien, as soon as things get a little less stressfull, I immediately feel like we should have sex. Because then there’s no reason no to and it’s been such a long time. But that pressure just makes all my desire disappear again,” Eef sighs. “Okay,” I respond. “So as soon as there is a possibility, you immediately feel like you have to,” I summarize. Eef nods, while Peter looks at her from the side. “Then maybe the two of you could agree on not having sex in the near future. That could help take the pressure off. Because when you feel like you have to, all desire immediately perishes.”

Eef briefly exchanges a glance with Peter, who seems rather irritated.

“But I do advice to seek intimacy with each other, for example by extensive kissing, massaging each other or taking a nice shower together,” I add. Then I notice Peter tensing his jaw muscles. “We came here to get our sex life back on track,” he then says exasperated. “But if I understand you correctly, you’re advising us to have less sex instead of more!” Now Eef looks at him from the side.

“Well, you know, Peter,” I respond. “My goal is not to work towards you guys having more sex. In my view, a sex life is ‘on track’ when both of you enjoy what you’re doing between the sheets.” Peter raises his eyebrows and listens. “When Eef can be intimate with you without feeling pressure that it must lead to something else, there is a good chance that she will experience a little more pleasure. This might also lead to an increase in sexual desire. Because when you enjoy something, you often want more of it! This is not the goal, but it can be the consequence.” Peter and Eef look deeply into each other’s eyes. Then Peter suddenly nods in agreement. “Okay, if you put it that way, then I agree!”