Santé – Stimulate your imagination

Published in Santé magazine
On Oct. 14, 2021

“I just don’t think about sex much,” Maartje begins. “Honestly, I’d like to be more into it and I’d also like to feel in the mood more often, but it just doesn’t happen that often.” When I ask if she ever has sexual fantasies, she says she doesn’t anymore.

“What about before? Did you ever think back fondly on an exciting sexual experience? Or did you ever look forward to an evening with your boyfriend and imagine how you would seduce him for instance?” I ask. “Oh yeah, sure!” She answers. “I used to do that quite often. But lately, I’ve just been so busy that I don’t think about that at all anymore.” She sighs. “Well, you know Maartje, those are sexual fantasies too,” I respond. “So you did have them, only now you apparently don’t make room for them anymore.”

Many women have explicit sexual fantasies, such as sex in a public place or sex with different partners. Sometimes, however, people only have fleeting thoughts of sex, such as a nice flashback or an exciting thought about something you might do that evening. But, then again, thoughts like these are sexual fantasies too. However, due to the busy lives many women have, there is often little time for musings and thoughts of sex often fall by the wayside.

Now a lot of women have what is called responsive desire, which means they don't get sexually aroused spontaneously.

They only get in the mood for sex when there are obvious sexual stimuli. If you at work all day, taking care of the children or doing work around the house, however, there is little room for sexual stimuli, so it makes sense that you won’t just get aroused. So when you have a responsive desire and want to get in the mood, you will have to consciously add sexual stimuli to your day. Sexual fantasies are an easy way to do that!

Tell me, Maartje, do you ever consciously look for sexual stimuli while not aroused?” She looks pensive. “That doesn’t make sense at all,” she says. “Surely you have to be aroused first to engage in sex!” I explain that for many women it works exactly the other way around. “Engaging in sex can actually make you feel like having sex,” I respond. “So if you’d like to get in the mood, it’s good to seek out more sexual stimuli. For example, by scheduling to consciously think about sex in a stimulating way.” She laughs. “What a fun assignment!” She says. “I was afraid you’d say I should just have sex. But fantasizing about it, I’m in the mood for that!”