Santé – Love Language

Published in santé magazine
on March 17, 2021

“I know he loves me, but I don’t FEEL it,” she says uncertainly. “He never just holds me and we don’t have sex very often either. The other day I asked if he still loves me and he said, “Of course I love you, I’m richt here on the couch with you, aren’t I.” She rolls her eyes.

“As if that’s a sign of love. Really!” The woman across the room from me is clearly frustrated by her boyfriend’s answer. She doesn’t see how spending time with someone can be a sign of love, when it seems only logical to him. “Did you know that people can show love in many different ways?” Cautiously, I gauge whether she is open to a different perspective. “Oh really?” Says she.

In your childhood, you are taught how to show love. If your parents showed their love to you by hugging a lot, chances are that physical contact will later become the way for you to show love. You then tend to express love that way, but also often prefer to receive love that way. However, when your partner has learned to show love in a different way, it can cause some confusion. As if the two of you speak a different language.

Although there are countless ways to express your love, they roughly fall into five different categories.

For example, most people show their love through verbal expressions, physical contact, sharing time with another person, doing something for another person or giving gifts. “How did your parents used to show their love to you?” I ask her. “At our house there was always a lot of hugging going on, which was nice.” When I her what it was like growing up for her boyfriend, she explains that he comes from a very close-knit family where they do a lot together and are there for each other. “His father helped lay our floor the other day, but when he comes over he and my boyfriend just shake hands.”

I explain that she was taught to show love through physical contact. Intimacy and sex are included in that, once you become an adult. “But your boyfriend has learned to show love by sharing time with you and being there for you when you need help, such as picking you up when the train suddenly doesn’t run.” She laughs. “That’s right!” she responds. “Now I also understand why he likes it so much when I make his favorite food for him. To him, that’s a sign of love. We just have to learn to understand each other’s language.”