Santé – A deal is a deal

Published in Santé magazine
on Feb. 17, 2021

“My wife wanted more freedom sexually. Now I’m pretty open-minded, so I wasn’t opposed to opening up our relationship. However, I did tell her that I don’t want her to have sex with people I know. I find that very uncomfortable. She agreed to that.” I see her trying to stay calm as she’s telling the story. “And how did it work out between you and your wife?” I ask her.

“Well, I just found out she did it with an acquaintance. I just don’t believe it, exactly what I didn’t want! There was only one rule and she breaks it. I don’t understand it at all. I’m SO angry!” Her knuckles turn white.

Sometimes people want sex with other people or want sexual adventures that differ from what they usually do. And when their partners are okay with that, the relationship can take on an new form. New rules can be established. You would think that the person who wants more freedom would appreciate the flexiblity of the other partner and will abide te new rules. But strangely enough, I have often seen the opposite.

Why do partners sometimes break the rules they agreed upon? Why do they do the one thing that is off limit?

When someone says they want something different sexually and their partner allows it, it sometimes turns out that it actually wasn’t “something different” that they desired. It was the fact that it wasn’t allowed at first. Sometimes people do not want the freedom to do something, but the freedom to decide for themselves. Wherever a boundary is set, they then always feel the tendency to cross it. Because breaking the rules gives a them sense of autonomy. Also, since being naughty can increase sexual tension in many people, doing things that you’re not supposed or not allowed to do can be eroticizing. Thus, something that is attractive can lose all appeal as soon as it is allowed. And something that is forbidden can suddenly seem irresistible.

A week later they are both on the couch in my practice. I turn to her wife and say: “You both indicate that you want to move forward together. Therefore, I think it would be good to look at your lust for autonomy. Where does that come from and how does it manifest itself? Of course everyone wants the freedom to make their own choices. But it can have disastrous consequences for your relationship when you have to go beyond someone else’s boundaries to experience a sense of self-determination.” She looks at me and nods silently.